Picture is from Pixabay, as always.
Okay, as I said yesterday, let me introduce you to the Green Man nightmares.
It’s dark. I’m in an area that looks very similar to the neighborhood I grew up in when I lived in southern Idaho. But it’s completely blanketed in a fog that glows a dark emerald green. It’s cold and I can barely breathe. I’m in agony from bruises and cuts that I don’t know how I got.
I’m running, stumbling over rubble that was never there when I grew up. I can hear heavy breathing and footsteps behind me. I don’t want to look back but I do. I see a vague man-shaped figure behind me. He glows a paler, more sickly green than the fog. His eyes glow brightly and he’s pursuing me with a relentlessness that tells me he has no intention of stopping until I’m caught – and possibly dead. I can’t be sure what his final intention is. I just know I’m never going to stop running if I can help it.
I wake up when it’s over, drenched with sweat. I can barely breathe and I’m frozen for several moments – I have no clue how long – before I can roll out of bed and head to the bathroom to empty the bladder and splash water on my face to wash away the sweat. At that point going back to bed is pointless because he’ll just come back so I get on my computer and start doing stuff.
I started having these dreams when I was 16 or 17. I thought they were a result of the Depakote/Lithium combo I was on so I skipped out on the meds as often as possible. That was 25 years ago. Shortly after we moved here the dreams stopped. Surprisingly, even with all the stress I’ve been under lately, they didn’t some back. Until now.
The dreams have been triggering my insomnia for the past week. Saturday night was the first time I got a reasonable night’s sleep. The dream didn’t return. My husband and I have been fighting a lot since Friday and honestly I think a part of it was the fact that I was having those nightmares again and I have no clue what started them in the first place, or how to make them stop. I can usually change my nightmares around enough to make them less nightmares and more just random bizarre dreams. This one? *shakes my head* I can’t change it, no matter how hard I try.
Between the stress from my living situation, constantly being “on” because I’m live on Twitch six days a week (and even if I’m not live I’m often helping moderate the chat in other streams, or interacting in the chats even when I’m not moderating), and I spend a lot of time talking to people – both on Discord and on Facebook – as I make contacts to help further many of my different pursuits, I have a feeling that’s what’s caused the Green Man to return. I have to write so many things that this blog is suffering for it. I’m trying to get back into posting, but it’s very hard to find time to do.
His presence in my nightmares is one of the things that led to the triggers that caused me to attempt suicide five years ago. I’m not feeling suicidal now – do NOT take it as such – but I can understand why anxiety and depression lead to suicide so many times. I finally have an appointment with my counselor again – it’s in August but at least I get to see her – and hopefully she’ll be able to help me sort through some things.
For now I deal with the exhaustion, anxiety, and depression the best that I can. I struggle daily with the fact that I can, with almost no provocation, lash out and verbally attack the one person I love more than life (my husband.) I’ve hurt him a lot over the past few days and I’m trying to control that side of my personality as I move on with life.
Everyone, if you’re under stress, DON’T take it out on those who love you best. Don’t take it out on anyone. Find more productive ways to channel that stress into something rather than hurting those around you. I still have to find a way to do this, but I’m still working on many things in my life.
Thanks for being here, for reading, and for sticking around even though I know I’ve been slacking on the blog posts. I love you all and thank you so much for your continued support.