I have a love/hate relationship…


…with medications.

I’m taking several right now. There’s the ones for my seizure disorder, the ones for my bipolar disorder, the ones to help with my chronic headaches and stomach aches, and the ones to help with the pain in my left side (that I STILL have no clue where it came from or how to get rid of it). I currently have nine pill bottles sitting on my table. One is a “take as needed” medication, and I’ve only taken one so it isn’t too bad. But the others have to be taken at certain times in the day.

I try to keep myself on a rigid schedule, but sometimes that doesn’t always work. I’ll forget to take the morning dose, which includes my stomach medication, so I’m sick to my stomach during the day. Or I’ll skip my night dose and wonder why I slept so badly. It’s really hard sometimes to remember.

Then there’s the second guessing myself. Did I already take the meds? Doubling up on a dose isn’t really a healthy thing with some of these meds. I don’t want to overdose on them in any way. What if I already took them and I’m taking them again? Should I not take them and just say I took them? Do I take them and run the risk of taking them a second time? These are the thoughts I get running around through my head quite often, especially in the morning when I’m trying to get ready to go out and tend the animals. I take my meds before I go out, but sometimes I’m so tired that I can’t remember two seconds after I’ve taken them if I’ve done it or not.

Why am I bringing up meds? Well, yesterday I went to my med manager – finally, after 9 months of arguing, fighting, and constant pressure on people – to see what she could do about my meds. I told her the issues I was having – i.e., they don’t fucking work anymore – and that I was tired of all the mood swings. I also told her that my therapist and I felt I was more Bipolar I than Bipolar II. I told her about some of the side effects the pills were having (like the Zyprexa putting me to sleep during the day) and expected her to figure out what I needed from our nearly hour long conversation.

Well my med manager isn’t convinced I’m Bipolar I rather than Bipolar II. She didn’t believe me when I told her what happened when they tried to put me on Seroquel. (I think that’s how it’s spelled.) She didn’t seem to believe that I just grew out of meds working. Instead she thought the doctors didn’t try a high enough dose of them. And now, even with the side effects of the Zyprexa being explained to her, she’s doubled my dose of Zyprexa to begin with. She’ll add or subtract from the others as needed, especially after my neurologist appointment next month if they decide to take me off my anti-seizure med, which has been doubling as part of my anti-mood swing meds for three years.

Needless to say, I was a little flummoxed. I told her that I didn’t want to sleep my day away and Zyprexa makes me fall asleep at the drop of a hat. She told me that taking a nap during the day is fine, as long as it doesn’t interfere in my work. Then I told her about my just sitting down and dozing off without even trying. She told me to get up and move around for a few minutes each time that happens to avoid that.

Useful advice but really, you’re doubling the dose on a medication I’ve already told you gives me problems? And I still have to go in tomorrow morning for a fasting blood draw. She didn’t tell me that’s what it was and I went from one side of Newport to the opposite end of Lincoln City, which is a fair distance, only to find that out. So between now and tomorrow morning I can’t have anything other than my meds and water. Yay for me.

I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s been doing this a lot longer than I’ve been taking Zyprexa. But if it severely impacts my life, I’m calling her back and telling her that. I won’t let a medication stop me from doing what I need to/what I love to do. That is not going to happen ever again.

We need to be advocates for ourselves when it comes to medical situations, whether it’s for physical ailments or mental health issues. Very few of us have someone else to go to bat for us. We need to become educated on our medications, our conditions, what treatment options there are out there, and what we can expect down the road. We need to let our doctors know we know this and don’t let them bully us into things. I think I may have done that today and I’m already regretting it. I see her again in a month. We’ll have to wait and see what happens then.

On a lighter note, I’ve taken up vlogging again. They’re nothing special, but here’s the first of my new batch of vlogs. I’d love it if you checked it out. I’ll be posting on random topics once a week. I’m not going to script them out or anything like that. It’ll be just whatever crosses my mind. I may also do some other types of videos too, like knitting instruction videos or something later down the line. Not sure yet. We’ll have to see. Anyway, here’s the link to the video and this is me saying have a great weekend!

Oregon Coast Chronicles Episode 1


One thought on “I have a love/hate relationship…

Add yours

  1. Ouch!
    Sometimes the side effects don’t step up with a higher dosage? 😦

    Hopefully she was actually listening rather than just trying to throw meds at the problem, playing favorites for drugs that work for Other people.


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