Swallowing my pride

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So Saturday I did something I never thought I’d do. I set up a Gofundme and a Patreon. I did them for two different reasons. The Patreon is to help me bring in some income above my disability to help around the farm. I intend to write/publish short stories for my patrons there. I’m going to have to figure a way to do up the things nicely, but I’ll come up with something.

The Gofundme is because I’m at a point where something has to be done about my mouth. That isn’t going to be cheap, I don’t have the money for it, and it’s going to be a while before we have any kind of income of that level. It needs to be dealt with now, and I finally had to just do it.

Asking for money is hard for me. I used to ask my dad for money, and it killed me every time I did. I hated asking him because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to pay him back until much later, if at all. But he was always generous and helped us out when we were in a tight spot. Wayne takes care of all the bills, but sometimes we need something extra and I have to ask him for money to work with groceries because we’ve run out of our grocery budget. I hate doing that too. But sometimes asking for it is the only way to go.

I’m that way about asking for help as well. I hate asking for help. I’d rather do something myself. But there comes a point when I just can’t do it and I have to ask. By then, what should have been an easy task might have become much harder because I wasn’t willing to admit I couldn’t do it by myself.

I tend to take this route with my mood swings too. I let things get out of control without saying anything until I’m at the point of a meltdown. Then what could have been handled with some extra help – either by my counselor or my husband…or both – is so big that it takes a long time and a lot of energy to deal with.

Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and do what we don’t want to so we can make things work. I hate asking for help, but if I want things to run smoothly I have to do it. I hate needing to be on disability, but I can’t do the traditional work outside the home that is usually required to be considered a constructive member of society so it’s necessary. I won’t say I’m not grateful for it. It’s been a literal life saver over the past four years. I just wish things weren’t so badly broken in my mind that I needed it.

If you find yourself needing to do something you don’t really want to, something that hits you right in the pride button, stop and assess the situation. Is it really so bad that you have to do it? Whether it’s asking for help, breaking down and doing something you’ve been putting off because it’s unpleasant, or taking care of a problem that needs attention, just do it.

Yes, setting up the Gofundme and the Patreon did hit me in the anxiety button as well as the pride one. But I pushed through it. I don’t know if either of these are going to work for me. We’ll have to wait and see. I really hope, if/when you have to do something that affects you as this has done to me, you can get positive results out of it. That is the ultimate vindication for doing something that makes you uncomfortable.

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