April has ended…now comes May


So, April has passed us and we are onto May. April was a rough month full of ups and downs. It is my hope that May will be better.

I turn 39 on May 11th. I’ve been taking stock of my life lately and find myself wondering what I’ve been doing with myself for the last 39 years. I’ve lived in three states, moved a lot, gotten married, been homeless, had children, lost those children, lost almost everything I’ve owned in various storage units we couldn’t afford, written a lot of words (some I even still have), and dealt with a near crippling issue with mental health.

April was also a pretty heavy month for me on my blog. Usually I try not to post a lot about my personal problems. I rarely ever bring up my kids. I still carry a lot of guilt and shame over that. I don’t tell anyone out of fear of having people turn against me because of it. But I’ve shared more about my struggle with mental illness in this past month than I have in all the years I’ve been blogging. (I started a blog on Blogger in 2010, I believe. Google still doesn’t show this blog in its searches. I’ll have to figure out how to fix that.)

I will still be posting things about mental health, my struggles, and whatever random articles strike my fancy and trigger a writing binge for me. I will also be posting little snippets of what I’m writing, pictures of the farm, and some more lighthearted things just to keep my blog from getting too serious and depressing.

So, let’s try making goals for this month. I plan on writing a blog post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I will finish Into the Sands, my current epic fantasy novel. I will edit Fury, a sci fi novel I wrote some time ago. I got my beta reader’s suggestions and I’m going to revise with those in mind. I will read something other than Little Women. I’m a writer. I need to be reading more books, and ones that are also more current to our day for publishing. If I get through Into the Sands and Fury, I’ll get started on my cyberpunk project again.

I will learn one new recipe each week and try it on the household. I will bake more cookies. I will attend my group therapy without looking for ways to get out of it. I will talk to my individual therapist and try to take her advice to heart. I will be patient and wait for the referral to the med manager now that I have meds that are good enough to take the edge off of things, though they don’t help me completely.

I will try self affirmation every day. I will look into the mirror and tell myself that I am a good person, that I’m not a failure, that I have made mistakes and lived through them so I am stronger because of it. I will take the time to enjoy my life as it is now and not focus on the past so much. I will take pleasure in the simple things such as tending the animals who look forward to my coming in the morning, and the appreciation I am given for my cooking.

We’ll see how these goals work out for the month. I’ve set goals in the past and not had much luck. But these are far more reasonable goals and I think I can do them. That is all I have to say today. Wednesday’s post may or may not be longer. It’ll depend on what I feel like doing.


2 thoughts on “April has ended…now comes May

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  1. You are a wonderful, beautiful person. Never forget that. We all make mistakes; it’s the getting up after making them and moving forward that shows our strength. I do understand your struggles. I deal with PTSD from childhood abuse trauma. Not always easy and I never quite know what will trigger nightmares. Those days I sit on the couch, take stock, and move on — and rarely share, because as you said, not everyone understands (and when it happened in an African boarding school, they really don’t). Writing helps.

    I’m excited to see how you go on your goals. I have puff pastry in my freezer; I think I’m going to use some of it for a savoury pie and the rest for a strawberry dessert. I also have phyllo dough. Want to come to my house and play in the kitchen?


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